Cat’s in my wheelchair, I can’t lift her out. I want to be in You, surrender. Make me who can best serve Your plan. I’ve no power.
Cut my finger, sucked it, I taste like raspberries. Guess SADD has not completely messed me up yet, but I am hurting. Bit by bit, SADD has crept up on me, I did not know if I was depressed or just coming to grips with some awful things that happened, admitting such things occur in this world. Or both. I still don’t know but today I do realize SADD is here.
Better go outside into sun and invigorating cold before SADD gets any worse. Glad I’m well ‘nuf again now and that the weather is a bit better.
Being outside helps. Then I plummet. Hate everything and everybody. A friend of mine once said, “When you’re depressed, you don’t think ‘I’m depressed.’ Instead, you think, ‘The world is a terrible place.'” Yup, the world is awful, people stink.
I am a lousy spiritual leader. God, You picked the wrong person, my spiritual state is awful, I am hating my species. Hm, is this depression talking? Of course it is! I hope it is.
I better go meditate, do the rest of my physical therapy, see if that helps. Oh, and drink St John’s wort, that obliterated my SADD one year.
I start exercise. A bit of movement makes me feel deeply sad, this is not SADD alone. I forsake the usual physical therapy, and work out by dancing grief. I’m a crip, my dance is not what some might imagine. But it moves the awful sadness about those awful things I mentioned.
The St John’s wort is steeping. I just remember, I have Motherwort glycerite I made from my garden, will take that, too.
I calligraph my grief, that helps too.
Thank you, God, it’s mostly a day off, so I have the luxury of pain, of allowing myself time to work it out and away. This sadness has been lurking, even in the air around me, a long time, maybe years, needing to come out and play. Thank You for a day in which I have enough physical strength and mental acuity for healing my spirit, instead of a day ill physical health takes all. Just between you and me, I took care of my inner landscape instead of survival chores. But until I made beauty to cure my depression, survival felt worthless, I wasn’t tending to it anyway. Onward! Time to eat a beautiful dinner.
Art and crafts can be self-help. DIY inner-transformation! I teach classes about bringing art ‘n’ spirituality together. If you don’t receive announcements of upcoming classes, here is where to sign up. At the time of this posting, a class starts next week, so if you want to get some work done now, email me for info about that class: outlawbunny @ outlawbunny.com
If you enjoyed this blog, I share in-depth about my life as a mystic and just plain ol’ human being in Share My Insanity , available on Amazon .