Crip-Dancing Grief, Calligraphing Grief

My Heart Hurts, FDG 2012

Cat’s in my wheelchair, I can’t lift her out. I want to be in You, surrender. Make me who can best serve Your plan. I’ve no power.

Cut my finger, sucked it, I taste like raspberries. Guess SADD has not completely messed me up yet, but I am hurting. Bit by bit, SADD has crept up on me, I did not know if I was depressed or just coming to grips with some awful things that happened, admitting such things occur in this world. Or both. I still don’t know but today I do realize SADD is here.

Better go outside into sun and invigorating cold before SADD gets any worse. Glad I’m well ‘nuf again now and that the weather is a bit better.

Being outside helps. Then I plummet. Hate everything and everybody. A friend of mine once said, “When you’re depressed, you don’t think ‘I’m depressed.’ Instead, you think, ‘The world is a terrible place.'” Yup, the world is awful, people stink.

Detail from My Heart Hurts, FDG 2012.

I am a lousy spiritual leader. God, You picked the wrong person, my spiritual state is awful, I am hating my species. Hm, is this depression talking? Of course it is! I hope it is.

I better go meditate, do the rest of my physical therapy, see if that helps. Oh, and drink St John’s wort, that obliterated my SADD one year.

I start exercise. A bit of movement makes me feel deeply sad, this is not SADD alone. I forsake the usual physical therapy, and work out by dancing grief. I’m a crip, my dance is not what some might imagine. But it moves the awful sadness about those awful things I mentioned.

The St John’s wort is steeping. I just remember, I have Motherwort glycerite I made from my garden, will take that, too.

I calligraph my grief, that helps too.

Thank you, God, it’s mostly a day off, so I have the luxury of pain, of allowing myself time to work it out and away. This sadness has been lurking, even in the air around me, a long time, maybe years, needing to come out and play. Thank You for a day in which I have enough physical strength and mental acuity for healing my spirit, instead of a day ill physical health takes all. Just between you and me, I took care of my inner landscape instead of survival chores. But until I made beauty to cure my depression, survival felt worthless, I wasn’t tending to it anyway. Onward! Time to eat a beautiful dinner.
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Art and crafts can be self-help. DIY inner-transformation! I teach classes about bringing art ‘n’ spirituality together. If you don’t receive announcements of upcoming classes, here is where to sign up. At the time of this posting, a class starts next week, so if you want to get some work done now, email me for info about that class: outlawbunny @ outlawbunny.com

If you enjoyed this blog, I share in-depth about my life as a mystic and just plain ol’ human being in Share My Insanity , available on Amazon .

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9 Responses to Crip-Dancing Grief, Calligraphing Grief

  1. francesca says:

    It is the next day and, whew, my efforts yesterday panned out, I woke up in a great mood!

  2. So happy to hear that you are feeling better!

    • francesca says:

      Thanks! When you’re down, it really helps if you try to get up. LOL. BUt despite all my efforts yesterday and their success, they might have failed. I was blessed.

  3. Bonnie Lynne says:

    Dearest Franscesa,

    Your truthful words and beautiful art touch me and crack open my own aching heart.

    There is much that is similar in our journeys . In my life at present there are so few who understand what a “day in the life of me” really involves. You do. Somehow it makes me feel less invisible to hear of your ups and downs. :)

    More than this it touches me as I feel hopeful in seeing that I too (by following your example) may still have something of value to offer despite my own limitations.

    Thank you so much for your courage and example. What a precious gift you offer in sharing what is true for you in times of pain and of pleasure.

    I am grateful for the tangible gift of healing which comes out of your eloquent truth-telling, artistry and teaching.

    Sending sincere wishes for peace, joy and strength,
    Bonnie Lynne

    • Francesca De Grandis says:

      Bonnie, your kind words mean so much to me. I feel honored and humbled. And thank you for such a personal post.

  4. Bonnie Lynne says:

    Hi again,

    Just re-read that and wanted to clarify what I meanat by “following your example”.
    I don’t mean that exactly – of course, I follow my own path!

    But I do mean that I have always believed in the value of truth-telling so much. And the value of offering my own experience. And here you are validating this belief so beautifully.

    Peace,
    Bonnie Lynne

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