Mega stress has wiped me out emotionally and physically. So exhausted I am close to MS flare-up. And doing my usual coping mechanism of driving self to further exhaustion. Yeah, it makes no sense, and I know I’m not invulnerable, just cannot get myself to stop half the time.
Folks have done this for me before, and it really helped. But resting is a huge challenge for me—even when MS has me too weak to speak, I still push myself. I also am in a setback about self-care.
Yeah, yeah, I know all the stuff about being worth self-care, yada, yada, yada. That awareness is only half the battle for moi. I am bit by bit deconstructing hard-wiring that happened in infancy. It’s slow going.
Telling myself to rest works way better than it used to, but I need help again.
I suspect my subconscious recognizes folks’ constant reminders to rest as mothering. Maybe hearing someone tell me “Rest” makes me feel loved and safe enough to nap or go to bed at a reasonable hour. Folks doing this in the past caused me to internalize their reminders into self-mothering without being told. Heh, just like a grown up.
Here is a report of my current progress:
* Got gobs of reminders to rest! Thanks again!!!
* Rested bunches yesterday, good for me!
* Argh, rested so much that could not get to sleep til 5 AM, LOL!
* This is not a new thing, it is part of the challenge of getting myself to rest enough.
* An exhausted friend asked me to lead him through a relaxation exercise at about 4 pm yesterday; I did not lie down for it, because it is too painful to speak when horizontal, but it was a long and successful visualization, I might as well have napped. That much rest late in the day makes me stay up late.
* Yesterday, one of my initiates challenged me to learn the art of laziness.
* I gotta get initiates who are not so dang smart! She blew my cover. Now everyone will know how to manipulate me, they just have to challenge me! Am I the cliche of a teenager wanting peer approval? Or what? Ah, it is my ego, I can’t stand the idea of not accomplishing something when someone has virtually chanted “Na na na na na na” at me about it.
* Being an obdurately non-lazy person, I met the challenge by immediately thinking up techniques for this fine art form I want learn.
* Day 1, technique #1: delay. Even if the delay is only for 1 minute. I decided I was going to polish that technique this week. Later.
* Joking aside, I did delay things yesterday. That was effective.
* Also, telling myself I could delay learning laziness took mega-pressure off me about getting enough rest. My energy became restful. In other words, whether I rested or not did not matter on one level, because I was getting less worn out, just by not giving a f—.
* Mind you, I still really need to get rest, but de-stressing my emotions is also vital right now.
Please keep give loving reminders, I need that parent-like support. It makes all the difference. Thanks again to everyone who has done this so far.
A few last thoughts. When the Goddess gave me the material for the Gentle Heart Palm Up class about ten years ago, it was as much for me as for my students. A big chunk of the lessons were about doing nothing, nothing, nothing, letting go, resting. It is a very restful class. I am learning to apply this material, but it is so slowly, even though I channeled it myself, LOL. Snail’s pace. Ten years, still trying.
Hee, that class discusses how much more we can get done when lazy; I preach and practice the productivity of laziness. Then yesterday, sigh, that same initiate was telling me I would be amazed at how productive laziness is. I gotta get dumber initiates who do not throw my own lessons back at me!
I am blessed by such amazing students, my fellow travelers—we help each other internalize our own wisdoms.
I told someone yesterday that when I am weakest, I push harder. Been trying to change that for years. Bit by bit I do. Part of why I teach the Gentle Heart Palm Up class: we teach what we need to learn. Once a year I teach it, and grow more. I also am trying to love the part of me that works to solve when I should rest to solve.
Heh, I am going to go rest now. I have only been up a while but, being an overachiever, I added a second technique yesterday. Technique #2: take ten second “naps”—being kinda in a nap, without laying down, wherever and whenever I think of it.
Onward. Um, no not onward, that is not restful. Sit. Still. Deep breath. … Ah, that was nice.
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